Cardboard Carbs

Hey, I'm actually listening to some music while I'm writing my entry!  Who knew I could do two things at once?  For the record, I'm not a big Brandy fan (I thought Monica sang circles around Brandy on their "The Boy Is Mine" duet) but this Kanye West-blessed single is pretty smooth.  Oh well, on to more important things...

Before you read any further, you will need to gather the following items: a piece of cardboard, a small cup of water, butter or margarine, a fork, a knife and a hacksaw (or some other heavy duty cutting tool).  I’ll explain it all later, but just go get those things, please.

Okay, now that you’re back, take the cardboard, place it on a flat surface, and flip it once every 2 minutes or so.  Don’t ask questions.  Just do it!

After about 4 or 5 flips, using the knife spread a small amount of butter or margarine on the cardboard.  Next, take the hacksaw (or whatever heavy duty cutting tool you have) and cut the butter-topped cardboard into small squares.  Then slowly pour a little bit (no more than two tablespoons) of water on the cardboard.  Pierce a cardboard square with a fork, place it in your mouth and chew as best as you can.

You have just reenacted my experience with the nastier-than-nasty Atkins pancake and waffle mix.  Apparently Atkins, which until recently was a card-carrying member of the anti-carb society), now realizes the importance of incorporating some form of carbohydrates into our daily diet, and thus have created a low-carb version of two breakfast favorites.

Being the breakfast food junkie that I am, I thought I would give Atkins mixes and syrup a try.  The Atkins people should be ashamed of themselves for putting out such a horrible tasting product.  There is nothing worse than bad tasting carbs. 

Shame on you, Atkins people, shame on you!

The Clock's Ticking...

Well, my fifteen minutes of fame have run out.  I didn't know that AOL was only going to feature my journal on its People Connections page for a day, but oh well, I enjoyed it while it lasted.  Like an actor whose sitcom has just been cancelled, I have to move on.

I've been trying not to get too entrenched in this year's election rhetoric, but I just had to take a peek at Kerry's speech at the Democratic National Convention tonight.  I have to give the man credit.  For a moment there, he actually had me believing that he could solve the world's problems in four years!  I almost felt like I could conquer the world, eat all the carbs I wanted and not suffer.  If Kerry can come up with a low-carb version of my favorite food -- French Toast -- that doesn't taste like crap, then he's got my vote!  Oh yeah, and while he's at it, I sure would like to see my student loan balances disappear.  If he could do those two things for me, then I'd vote for him.

But even in the midst of the limelight of the Democratic convention and all of the impassioned speeches given this week, one must remember:  a thief that is not punished for stealing will keep stealing until he's caught.  Marinate on that, and I'll be back in the AM.

FAQ's (Frequently Asked Questions)

Since AOL featured my journal, I have been receiving IM's like Michael Moore is collecting money from the box office - fast and furious.  Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement and advice.  I promise to do my best not to let anyone down.  Now that I know that I'm not in this alone (we're all in this thing together!), that is inspiration enough for me to straighten up and fly right.  In fact, for dinner, I had a burger with cheese and...(insert drumroll)...no bread!  That's right, you read correctly, I had a burger without the bun.  Now what does that tell you?  Thank you, you can stop applauding now.

However, amid all of the advice and encouragement, I got an interesting string of IM's and questions that I would like to share with the rest of you. 

Warning:  Some of these comments may cause you to laugh uncontrollably.

 

"Hey Mattsaunti, is that really your picture on AOL? Do you have any other pics of you - maybe with less clothes on? (wink)" - Willie WooWoo*

Dear Willie WooWoo, Yes that's my photo, and no, I don't have any photos of myself half-naked.  If you're interested in ogling pictures of scantily-clad women, I'm sure you can find them by going to google.com.  (wink)

 

"Hi, I didn't read your journal but I saw your pic.  Great smile.  By the way, are your married or anything?"  - I Like A Great Smile

Dear ILAGS, Thanks for taking the time to look at my photo on AOL.  I hope you get the chance to read my journal, though.  And to answer your question, no I'm not married...or anything.

 

"Hey sweetness.  If I weren't married with kids, I'd take you out and feed you all the carbs you want.  Have a nice day." - Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, I don't know if that was a compliment and/or if I should be thanking you for it.  But at least I can say thanks for checking out my journal, I guess.  By the way, the journal is about me trying to cut back on carbs, not load up on them.  You have a nice day, too!

 

"Girl, you are what I would call a SINGLE WITH CHEESE.  Where do you live?" - Checkin' You Out

Dear CYO, 'Single with cheese', never been called that before.  But I guess there's a first for everything.  If you take the time to read my journal, I gave some details about myself like where I'm from.  But I can pretty much gather that you are not from my neck of the woods because the guys around here don't call women 'singles with cheese'.

 

"Hello?  I saw your photo on AOL?  I think you have a nice smile?" - Anonymous Too

Dear Anonymous Too, Interesting choice of punctuation.  Thanks for the compliment.  Or should I say, 'Thanks for the compliment?'

 

"Hi Mattsaunti, I was checking out your photo on AOL.  You have a really nice smile.  Where do you live?  I'm in NY and maybe we could meet up.  I'm a personal trainer and I have helped many of my clients achieve a healthy lifestyle.  I could work with you, too.  With that great smile, you'd make my job easy." - Part-Time Personal Trainer

Dear PT PT, Gee, thanks for the compliment about my smile.  It seems that I have gotten a lot of that today.  And just to think, I hate that picture of myself!  Anyhoo, I don't live near NY and I don't think that a long-distance personal training relationship between us would work.

 

"Hey there, you look great in your photo.  How much weight have you lost?  Have you thought about doing Atkins or the South Beach Diet?  Not to say that you need to lose any more weight." - Clever And Really Brilliant

Dear CARB, Yeah, indeed you are clever.  Thanks for the compliment.  If you read through the journal you will see that I haven't lost a whole lot of weight.  You will also see that I was on the South Beach Diet for about four hours.

 

And there you have it, a brief sampling of the interesting IM's I have received today.  I probably will be posting more of these in the near future.  Until the next time, remember, Reading Is Fundamental.

*The names of the guilty have been changed to protect the innocent.

Sold Out

As I'm typing this entry, I'm feasting on a chicken filet sandwich from Wendy's.  Yes, I know, I should be ashamed...so ashamed.  Only a few hours ago I told everyone that I was going to "low-carb" it today.  But see, something really strange happened today.  I had every intention of going to Wendy's to get a salad for lunch.  (The last time I had a salad for lunch, "American Idol" was just a twinkle in Simon Cowell's eye.)  But when I got to the restaurant, the line was ridiculously long, and by the time I got to the front to place my order, they SOLD OUT OF SALADS.  I repeat, WENDY'S SOLD OUT OF SALADS.  I had been in line for almost 30 minutes and when I finally get the chance to do something right, I can't.  What was I to do?  You know Wendy's serves nothing but carbs outside of their salads.  So I ordered a chicken sandwich and some fries.  I learned a trick a while ago that has helped me in my battle against bread; I learned that if you eat a sandwich with a knife and fork, you are less prone to eat all of the bread.  When you cut the sandwich up, you tend to eat the meat of the sandwich and toss the bread to the side.  I was doing well until I saw all of that bread looking all sad and lonely on the plate.  The next thing I knew, I was dipping pieces of bread in honey mustard sauce (which is just excellent with fries, by the way), and then it was all gone.

I blame this all on Wendy's.  It wasn't my fault that they ran out of salads!

If You First Don't Succeed...

Wow!  I cannot believe all of the responses and feedback I have been getting from everyone!  Thanks for the words of encouragement.  Because of you, I'm going to get back on the low-carb train...now.  As of right now, I'm going to cut back on the carbs, stay away from chocolate chip cookies, vanilla ice cream and delicious chicken cheesesteaks.   I'm getting all weepy just thinking about it.  I'm going to miss all of my wonderful carb delights.  But I'll have to learn to seek solace in vegetables and stuff.  But they don't have fruit and veggies in the snack machines here at work.

So I'm going to try this thing in earnest.  I'm doing great so far...I haven't had any carbs at all today!  I'll post again at lunch to let everyone know how I'm making out.

Say a prayer for me.

Breaking The Fast

Thanks to everyone for your great comments, words of advice and encouragement!  It's good to know that people are actually reading my journal, and don't think that I'm crazy...well at least you guys don't say that I am.

I just got finished munching on a slice of delicious, homemade sour cream pound cake.  My low-carb goal for the day has been blown!

Carb Your Enthusiasm

Over the weekend, I attended my church's annual conference.  I volunteered to serve with one of the church ministries, so I was quite busy for most of the conference.  My family and I stayed at a nearby hotel, and if you saw all of the bags they had with them, you would have thought that we were going on a two-week trek across Europe.  My sister had to have had five duffel bags of clothes, games for my nephew, shoes, more clothes, coloring books, and all kinds of crazy stuff.  And then we had probably four or five cooler bags and lunch bags full of food & beverages -- juices, sodas, bottled water, sandwiches, fruit, applesauce, crackers, cookies (Pepperidge Farm made a boatload of money off of us this weekend).

Even though I had plenty of carbs to indulge in, I was so busy running around the Convention Center or running between the Convention Center and the hotel that I actually dropped a few pounds over the weekend (well, at least that's what my scale said this morning.)

Stick To The Script, Please

I hate conference calls.  I am on a conference call right now, and only ten minutes into it the agenda was blown away because everyone wants to talk about everything else other than the issue at hand.  What's so hard about sticking to the agenda?  As it looks now, nothing that is on the agenda will get covered, and then everyone will want to shoot emails and instant messages trying to get answers to the questions that they should have asked on the call in the first place.  This is the kind of stuff that drives me to eat bread.

I'm not in a very good mood right now, and I need some bread to lighten my mood.  Hey!  Maybe I'm in a bad mood because I haven't had any bread today!  One of my co-workers gave me some grapes this morning, so now that I think about it, I'm missing my bread.  These people need to hurry up so I can get off this call and head out for lunch.  This is ridiculous.  Now they want to recap all of the stuff that they discussed that was NOT on the agenda.  I guess that gives them a sense of accomplishment.  Whatever.

Kicked To The Carb

Darn it!  I just tried posting a very clever and funny entry just now, but when I hit the 'save' button, I got an error message.  Now I have to start over.

Yesterday I read a report on WBAL TV 11's website that stated that low-carb diets may not be all that they're made out to be.  According to some recent study, many consumers would not consider purchasing low-carb foods because of potential health risks.  So despite all of the ruckus you're hearing about the low-carb craze, most people actually do enjoy carbs!   Your co-worker who is such an Atkins enthusiast is probably sneaking chocolate chip cookies when no one is looking.  If you don't believe me, if you think I'm making it up, then check out the article for yourself!  I bet if you take a peak in your co-worker's cube, they probably have a stash of potato chips under their desk.  Ha ha, made you look.

If the low-carb craze was all that (and a bag of chips), then McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King would be serving up burgers without the buns.  And speaking of buns, why don't the Big 3 offer wheat buns?  If you go to Subway or Quizno's or even Panera, you can choose wheat bread for your sandwich.  Wheat bread is a healthy carb.  I'd take a Filet-O-Fish on wheat over one of those corny Go Active! Happy Meals for Adults any day.  What's the big deal about those wack Go Active! Happy Meals for Adults anyway?  The name alone is corny, wack, and a mouthful.  I don't have the time to ask for a corny Go Active! Happy Meals for Adults when I go through McDonald's drive-thru.  Plus, what are you paying for?  A salad, a bottled water and what?  A stepometer?  If anyone is interested, I have the insider scoop to the secret ingredients that go into the Go Active! Happy Meals for Adults (thank God for cut-and-pasting).  Gather round, and listen closely.  The secret is:  a salad, some salad dressing and a bottled water.  That's it!  You can go to your local grocery store, buy a six-pack of bottled water, grab a bag of salad, and a bottle of dressing and viola!  You have your very own, homemade Go Active! Happy Meal for Adults.

Later this week, I will be attending my church's annual conference.  My family and I will be staying at a nearby hotel, and my poor sister (whose hotel experience is rather limited) is packing like we're going on a two-week safari in Africa.  Earth to Sister, we will be staying downtown for 2 whole nights.  You don't need to pack your entire summer wardrobe.  Now if you want to pack extra anything, pack us some extra sandwiches 'cause I'm not trying to pay $12 for a slice of pizza at the hotel.  And when you make the sandwiches, would you be so kind and use wheat bread?

Confessions

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.  Over the weekend, I made a boxed cake.  I had a Warm Spirit Party on Saturday afternoon, and was too tired to make a cake from scratch.  I know, you have blessed me with the ability to bake from scratch -- something that you passed down to me from my mother, and my grandmother.  I am so ashamed. 

You see, it wasn't an easy decision to make.  Although I was exhausted on Friday, I had intended on making a pound cake, but when I went to Costco and saw that 4 lbs. of butter was almost $10, I cringed.  I know that I could have substituted margarine for butter in my cake recipe, but God you know how I am when it comes to margarine.  I don't believe in margarine.  It's an evil substitute for butter.  It's just like false prophets.  They claim to know you and follow you.  They try to act like you and talk like you.  But they aren't anything like you.  They are just perpetrating a fraud.  And that's how I feel about margarine.  There's no way I could serve up a homemade cake made with margarine.

Did I also mention that I bought loaf cake from the Costco, too?  There were three store-baked loaves in a pack for something like $4.50.  That's like $1.50 per loaf!  You couldn't beat that with a bat.  I don't believe in store-bought cakes either, but it's the lesser of three evils.  Compared to the box cake and the margarine-flavored scratch cake, a store bought cake seemed to be the safest option.

Please, please forgive me for this transgression.  I promise not to stray from the straight and narrow path of baking ever again.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Carbs

I'm having a party at my house on Saturday afternoon, and I have a real dilemma.  I'm trying to figure out how to plan a healthy menu for my guests while at the same time balancing my need for carbs.  Veggies and dip just won't do it for me.  You might as well lock me in a closet.  However, I do realize that some people are on diets or are trying to eat healthy, and the less bread I have for them, the better.  However, I'm really torn.  I love to cook and bake, and some of my best dishes are high-carb culinary delights.  When you go to a party, you remember the delicious cakes and desserts, not the ranch dip or the celery sticks.  Get real!

Low-Carb Food & Wedding Receptions Just Don't Mix

This weekend, one of my roommates from college got married in New York.  Another one of my roommates had asked me to go to the wedding with her, so I drove to Philly on Saturday, picked her up, and then we were off to NY. 

The wedding was lovely, simply exquisite and very sweet.  I can only hope to have such a wedding someday.  Anyhoo, the reception was another story altogether!  Before the formal reception started, the wedding guests were escorted to the rooftop terrace (overlooking a lake, I might add) where the cocktail hour reception was held.  Not only was there a buffet selection of the finest gourmet foods, there were servers walking around with all kinds of sumptuous hors d'ouevres.  Most of the guests, myself included, were stuffed by the time the maitre d' announced that the main reception was starting.

(For those of you who are asking, yes, they had rolls and other gourmet breads at the cocktail hour reception; and yes, I did partake.)

At the main reception, we were served a fabulous five-course meal.  By the time we got to the third course, I was barely able to lift my fork!

A funny thing happened just before the dinner was served.  (I must point out that this was a lively reception from the very beginning!  The bridal party danced into the reception hall as they were introduced, and once the bride and groom danced in, everyone joined them on the dance floor!  There was a lot of dancing going on at this reception; they played all kinds of music -- R&B, hip hop, jazz, Latin, oldies, you name it!  I've never had so much fun!)  Okay, now back to the funny thing that happened just before the dinner was served.  Maureen & Ricardo, the blushing bride and groom, led a conga line through the reception hall, weaving between the tables and urging all the guests to join them.  When Maureen got to our table, she told us that we had to get up or that she would tell the servers not to serve us!  I told her that I had foot surgery...and I did actually, but over a year ago.  Ha ha!

When we finally got ourselves together to leave, it was 11:30 and people were still out onthe dance floor.  I guess they were trying to salsa off some of the calories they had eaten.  I was too tired (and too shy) to join them.

Could you imagine a low-carb wedding reception being as fun?  I think not!  If you do away with the bread & rolls, pasta, rice, gourmet potatoes, fried hors d'ouevres, gourmet cookies & ice cream and -- (as the French would say) the piece de resistance - THE WEDDING CAKE -- what would you have left?  Some meat, vegetables and water.  Not fun at all.  I wonder what the Atkins people serve at their wedding receptions.

Love may make the world go 'round, but carbs make people happy.  And people who are happy are people who love.  And since we've already established that love makes the world go 'round, you now can see why carbs are a necessary part of a healthy diet.

Delicious Dilemmas

Earlier this morning, AOL emailed me to let me know that The Carb Lover's Notebook is being considered as a feature on the Diet & Fitness screen.  They asked that I send them a picture of myself to posted along side the link to my page.  I should probably take a picture surrounded by all of my favorite high carb delights -- bread, kaiser rolls, croissants, chocolate chip cookies, cinnamon raisin bread, french toast, vanilla ice cream, french fries, buttermilk biscuits, belgian waffles, pound cake, apple pie, homemade rolls -- but then again, maybe not.  If I were to do that, the Atkins people would treat me like PETA treats people with fur coats.

Right now, I'm sipping on lemon water and trying to decide what kind of sandwich I want for lunch.  Yesterday, I had a delicious chicken sandwich from Panera Bread, and I tried to be a good girl and load up on the fresh greens and tomatoes.  But you know what, I ended up picking them off in order to get to the heart of the sandwich -- the heavenly rosemary & red onion focaccia.

For me, lunch without some kind of bread is like a television without a remote control.

Someone asked me the other day if I would ever get around to writing an entry about the Atkins Pancake & Waffle mix.  Trust me, it's coming.  I just have to muster up the nerve to do it.

The Big Payback?

All of this carb eating is going to catch up with me sooner or later.  Over the past week, the scale in my bathroom hasn't budged in either direction. So I'm thinking that either I've mastered the art of eating carbs, or in a few days I'm going to be in big trouble.

After crossing back over to the dark side, I'm having a hard time trying to go back to the low-carb way of doing things.  I can make the transition to whole wheat bread products, but if you ask me to cut out bread altogther, you are asking for trouble.  That's not going to happen.

Carbs are my friends.  Carbs are my life.  I made it through college on carbs.  When I couldn't decide between the mystery meat with the whodunit potatoes and the wilted salad bar with live insect croutons, the only food choices I had were the pizza bar, the cereal bar or the ice cream bar.  I think for about 60-70% of my freshman year, I only ate cereals.  And I'm not talking that blah, bland nuts and berries crap.  I'm talking about the tasty, sugary Cap'n Crunch, Crunch Berries, Froot Loops and Apple Jacks. On days when I didn't indulge in the world of sugar-coated cereals, I was at the mini-restaurant in the basement of the dorm ordering triple-threat Philly cheesesteaks.  (I called them triple-threat because they were high in fat, calories and cholesterol.)  By the end of my freshman year, I had gained almost 30 pounds.  Obviously I gained someone else's "Freshman 15" in addition to my own.

In my junior year when I wanted to be grown and get an apartment off-campus, there was a period of time when the money was really tight. And at about that time, McDonald's had just rolled out their new Arch Deluxe sandwich.  I can't quite recall what was so deluxe about it, but for a burger lover like me, it was just a newfound indulgence.  In McDonald's promotional campaign, you would get a free Arch sandwich if you purchased a medium fry and a medium drink.  I had calculated the cost of the fries and drink to be $2.10.  Not bad for the cost of a meal.  The only problem was that you needed a coupon, and the coupons could be found in copies of The Philadelphia Inquirer and The Philadelphia Daily News.  That would mean spending money in order to save money, and for the average college student, that just didn't make sense. So, I later found out that McDonald's also placed the coupons in Philadelphia's City Paper and  The Phildelphia Weekly.  Free newspapers meant free access to coupons, and that scenario totally worked for my budget. God forgive me, but I began searching out the City Paper and Philly Weekly newspaper boxes in hopes of collecting enough Arch Deluxe coupons to get me through the month.  There were probably some clueless souls who picked up their copies of the free weeklies never knowing that I had already scooped up their coupons.  However, by the end of the month I was so over the Arch Deluxe it wasn't funny.  Talk about payback.

In all of my years of eating, I was never as excited about fruits and veggies as I was about breads and other carbs.  My college years were about carbs.  When I was stressed out or nursing a heartache, I didn't turn to salad or fruit, I turned to pizza and cheesesteaks and cookies.

Nothing heals a broken heart like a medium pepperoni pizza.

World Tour

Sorry, I haven't posted in the past few days.  I've been caught up on my own personal Carb Lover's World Tour.  I must confess that I've fallen off the Low-Carb/No-Carb Wagon.  Hard.

On Friday, my car veered into the McDonald's drive-thru.  I don't know quite how it happened -- force of habit, maybe.  Before I knew it the cashier handed me a Filet-O-Fish with extra cheese, an order of hot, crispy fries and three chocolate chip cookies.  I must have blacked out because I don't know what happened.

Then on Saturday evening, one of my girlfriends and I had dinner at The Olive Branch in Pikesville.  The Olive Branch is very much like The Olive Garden, but with a local twist.  The menu is chock full of delectable pasta and seafood entrees, and they serve tossed salad with this delicious house dressing and the most luscious bread sticks.

Now yesterday, on the 4th, I really went to town.  After church, my mom and I had breakfast at my most favorite restaurant, IHOP, where I indulged on my absolute favorite meal, Vive La French Toast slathered in butter with a side of red potatoes.  Atkins enthusiasts would shudder to think about the number of net carbs I ate in that one meal.  I lost count after that first bite of the french toast.

But the highlight of my weekend was my trip to the Cold Stone Creamery in Arundel Mills.  If you have never been to a Cold Stone Creamery, you are missing out!  This place puts all the other ice cream establishments -- Baskin Robbins, Haagen Dazs, and the rest -- to shame.  They have probably two dozen or so fresh-made flavors of ice cream, and countless toppings and confections that you can have mixed in.  You can choose anything from candies, nuts, brownies, cookies, cakes, graham crackers, fruits, syrups -- you name it.  After you choose all of your "mix-ins", your ice cream is mixed on a frozen granite stone, making it smooth and creamy.  I know the Atkins disciples are clutching the hearts now, but it was absolutely heavenly.

I think somewhere in there, over the course of the weekend, I had a salad.  Nothing remarkable, nothing memorable, but some lettuce with some other bland veggies mixed in with a raspberry vinaigrette.  That offset all of the wonderful, delectable, decadent carbs.

If I feel like it tomorrow, I may get back on the low-carb train, but I'm in no rush to get my ticket.